I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
