sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
