My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
