Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sext me about skeletons
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
