grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
