u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
