I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
