i would punch a child for taco bell
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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