too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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