I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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