Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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