Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
