He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
