I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
