smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
