Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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