I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
