my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?