I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.