Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.