I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
