I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Welp...herpes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
