if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
