Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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