Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
