tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
