and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This is classic penis vs brain.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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