he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
