please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
