If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
