remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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