Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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