dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
