I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
