he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
