im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize