loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
