What did we do last night that was yellow?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
