You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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