Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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