Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So many bounce houses so little time
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
