If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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