my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
