well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
