I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
