we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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