i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
