I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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