No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
