i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
