There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
