Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
