we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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