If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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