hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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