I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
