Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
