I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
