Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
