It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
