omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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